Ash Jumping

Ash Jumping

Forgive me Lord,  I sinned against you, my neighbors and myself.  I have not loved my sisters or myself as you love me.  I’ve sinned.

I am ashamed, have shamed and been shamed.

I’ve been proud and boastful.

Thank you for pulling me out of the ashes.  You never hesitate or deny your love. Thank you for gently dusting me off. Thank you for kissing my ash-filled head and wiping my tears. Thank you for loving me despite my sins.screenshot_20170301-105529

We journey to your cross. Cast our burdens upon your alter. Our sins a pile of ashes.

Praying for a new day, weeping as you sacrifice yourself. We failed your commandments. We failed you. Looking forward to your empty tomb and the promise it holds for everyone you love.

I feel wrapped in your love and forgiveness. Thank you. Amen.

I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes. Job 42:6


Trainwreck – Why I Stayed

trainwreckHow does a speeding train blowing its horn, heading in the right direction get derailed?

I was moving forward. I had a job, an apartment, an education and I was in graduate school.

I was “smart enough” to avoid the trap that kept following me home. I knew I didn’t want a relationship. I wasn’t attracted to him.  I didn’t like him.  I thought he was creepy.

I refused to join him in his jail.

I said “No!”

I ignored him.

I was rude.  I was arrogant. I made fun of him.

But he was persistent.

I didn’t know he was abusive but I knew he wasn’t independent. He couldn’t help me.  He didn’t want to help me. And he wouldn’t help me.

But he was persistent.

I was alone.  I let go of my life line before grabbing another. I was working my safety plan without a safety net.  My former counselor was hundreds of miles away. It was only a matter of time before I slipped and  fell.

If I was in counseling it would have been a set back but since I wasn’t – I was derailed.

I’d never been safe so I couldn’t find safety without the help of a professional.

He was persistent.  He was lonely.  He was dysfunctional.

I was fragile.  I was vulnerable. My family was dysfunctional. I was grieving the suicide of my favorite brother.  I had no friends.

I had no therapist.

He was persistent.  He either followed me home or was waiting for me when I pulled into my parking lot. He was waiting for me to fall. He wasn’t planning to pick me up.  He was just waiting for me.

But I didn’t let him in until…

My second brother died.  Just one year after the first.

After he died, I shook my fist at my oldest, dearest and only friend – I turned my back on God.  I was already angry at God for allowing my brother to end his life. I was angry about my abusive childhood.  I was angry about being raped.  I was angry about being alone.

I hadn’t forgiven God.

I felt God’s presence and didn’t hold back telling Him how angry and disappointed I was. I thought He was a terrible, weak, ineffective God.

God was cruel to take another brother so soon. I stopped talking to God. I was too angry to speak. God wasn’t worth my prayers.  He wasn’t listening. No one listened to me.

If I had a therapist, they’d probably say I was depressed. But I didn’t have a therapist.

I still had my apartment. I still had my job. I still went to school. I still didn’t like the guy but I threw God out and let the stalker in. I shut the door on God. I went off track. But didn’t care.  Tired, numb and out of breath I thought I’d take a moment to rest.  I didn’t realize how long I’d sleep.

Why did I stay?  He became rough.  Everyone who cared about me was rough.  Even God.

I ran from him and locked myself in the bathroom. I didn’t like him. I should have been afraid but…

I was numb.

#WhyIstayed: We weren’t living together.  “Stay” was abstract. I had my own apartment. I was moving forward.  I avoided him after he was rough. I thought I was taking care of myself. No one else cared about me.

I guess I wasn’t “smart enough” to avoid or end the relationship.  I was a victim. Victims aren’t very smart.

Violence is loud.  It is hard to think with all that background noise. We need an emergency crew to pull us from the wreckage.

And he waited patiently  until I invited him in. He was very persistent. And it would be many years before a crew arrived on the scene.

Have you ever snuggled with the devil? Share your story.

In his arrogance the wicked man hunts down the weak…
His victims are crushed, they collapse;
they fall under his strength.

Important Points:

Seek professional help

Abused? You’re not alone

God is with us even when we are angry

Related Post:

Bruised at the Altar…Why I Married Him

Say NO to the Mess!

Need help?

The National Domestic Violence Hotline    1-800-799-7233

National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV)

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network)

Jesus is RISEN!

Matthew 28:1-10 (NIV)

After the Sabbath, at dawn on the first day of the week, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to look at the tomb.

There was a violent earthquake, for an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and, going to the tomb, rolled back the stone and sat on it. His appearance was like lightning, and his clothes were white as snow. The guards were so afraid of him that they shook and became like dead men.

 The angel said to the women,

Easter Butterfly

“Do not be afraid,

for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified.

He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. 

Come and see the place where he lay. Then go quickly and tell his disciples:

‘He has risen from the dead

and is going ahead of you into Galilee.

There you will see him.’

Now I have told you.”

So the women hurried away from the tomb, afraid yet filled with joy, and ran to tell his disciples.

Suddenly Jesus met them. “Greetings,” he said. They came to him, clasped his feet and worshiped him.

Then Jesus said to them, “Do not be afraid. Go and tell my brothers to go to Galilee; there they will see me.”

Betrayed and Hated

Matthew 24:9-10

“Then you will be handed ovesword-of-the-wordr to be persecuted and put to death, and you will be hated by all nations because of me. At that time many will turn away from the faith and will betray and hate each other

Merciful Lord Jesus,

following you to the cross is difficult and scary.

We are called like sheep to be led to be slaughtered.

I don’t want to be hated!  I want to be loved.

I’ve been betrayed. It hurts!

Comfort my troubled heart with your Word.

Surround us with your mighty angels.

Please don’t let go of me!


Save Us From – Ourselves

Matthew 21:9

Hosanna to the Son of David!” “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!” “Hosanna in the highest heaven!”
Lemonade Daisies
Hosanna! Save us!  We need. We want.  We have to have. Hosanna. Son of David, save us from ourselves. Forgive us. “Hosanna in the highest heaven!”Amen.