Great verse for Singing in the Rain but I’m not in the mood! I wish I was because it is definitely raining! The sun is out, there’s a blue sky but my heart is drowning in an Autumn shower.
I’m a whiney, fussy Christian woman whose life isn’t going her way! It has been a very difficult and painful journey. The grief from each loss is a dark cloud that seeps in, chasing all joy and hope away as it surrounds us in its cold, dark hopeless hands. Life is not fair and I’m in the mood for a major tantrum.
I hate being sad. I can never tolerate it for very long. I feel like I either have to give up, give in; or jump up and run. I pray it will go away. I beg God to lift this cloud because I just can’t stand the darkness.
I’ve spent a lifetime running from every cloud! I’m always looking for the rainbow, pulling smiles out of my pocket and keeping a stiff upper lip.
And for the most part, I’ve been successful by singing little songs in my head like, “Just keep moving, just keep moving, don’t stop now, you’re almost there…just keep moving, don’t look, it’ll be over soon, just keep moving…” I run to a happy place until the cloud passes but this cloud just doesn’t seem to want to go away!
As I’ve shared in other posts, our daughter was diagnosed with Crohn’s when she was 15 year old. NO FAIR!
Thankfully our daughter seemed validated by the diagnosis and was very accepting as we hit each bump on our way down the diagnosis stairwell. She remained optimistic during treatment, even with the terrible side effects of medications; return of symptoms, invasive tests and with each more aggressive treatment plan.
While the black cloud seemed to pour down on my husband and me, it didn’t seem to be able to catch up with our daughter.
Eight months after she was diagnosed with only three months of relief, she became sick again and we realized she probably was never in remission. NO FAIR!
She started on Remicade infusions, got better but not well enough to finish her last semester and not well enough to return to the classroom. Still she remained optimistic, hoping on-line classes would provide her the flexibility to allow a normal social life.
But her illness refused to cooperate. On-line classes increased her loneliness. Illness prevented her from being involved with her school musical, it prevented her from being part of a theatre competition she had been working towards for two years, from auditioning for other musicals, seeing her friends, getting to church, returning to school…. and the losses just seemed to keep coming. Each day she looked as if she had fallen down another step in her recovery. NO FAIR!
She began to look depressed and act irritable. Her grief became visible. It took on its own form and lurked about our house. NO FAIR!
We got her into therapy and the summer months provided some relief but not enough to allow her a full week back in school. The black rain cloud shows no sign of going away. NO FAIR!
It was easier to wrestle with my own rain cloud but I feel extremely ill equipped to wrestle with my daughter’s. Sixteen months later with less than four months of relief, I’m failing at coping with life’s injustices.
I’ve looked through all my notes on coping with loss. I’ve given myself gold stars for making sure I get daily exercise, trying to get plenty of sleep and trying to keep a daily routine. I list my positives and try to focus on the things I can control. We’ve celebrated every moment of relief and try to create lots of family fun but my coping strategies don’t stop the little black cloud from hovering over my daughter.
I stare at my daughter’s mean ol’ black cloud. I give it nasty, evil looks. I want to wrestle it. I want to defeat it. I want to make it go away! But it is beyond my control! Argh! How can I help her cope when I’m kicking sand in the sandbox, shaking my fist at God, screeching NO FAIR!?
I haven’t posted much because I don’t know what to say. I don’t feel very inspiring. I’d love to end every post on a high note but I promised to walk in truth.
If I had a magic wand I would wish it away but I found out a long time ago that my wand doesn’t work. It never worked so rather than pretend it does I’ll show how far I’ve grown in faith by just leaving this mess at the altar.
But you, God, see the trouble of the afflicted; you consider their grief and take it in hand. The victims commit themselves to you; you are the helper of the fatherless.
Prayers greatly appreciated.