Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will direct your path Proverbs 3: 5-6
Sounds so simple. Proverbs 3 is such a great chapter of God’s love letter (Bible). It outlines all the wonderful blessings of trusting in God; love, faithfulness, a good name, health, nourishment, safety…
Not too long ago I shared my book with a new friend. My book is a journal from the time I was trying to discern God’s path with my family and other abusive relationships. I felt less vulnerable writing about my family secrets and prior transgressions than sharing them out loud. Now I share my book as the Spirit leads me; much like this blog.
After reading my book, this sister overly eagerly said, “Wow! You have trust issues!” I was shocked. I never thought I had trust issues. Trust issues? Really? Perhaps I needed to read my own book again. I’m very trusting. I don’t have (trust) issues. If anything, I’m too trusting. Sure lots of people who should have been trustworthy, hurt me but I don’t have issues, those would be their issues not mine. Right?
In truth, TRUST is a very scary word. Trust is surrenders’ closest companion. I admire both but admit I’m a cautious sister. Go ahead laugh or chuckle or whatever. I know my issues. Someone is always pointing them out to me as if I’m not stumbling over them everyday.
While I pray earnestly for Jesus to relieve my stress, for Jesus to take my burdens (take the wheel), I fail at the same spot every time. I call Jesus, He comes, I lay out my troubles, He goes to gather them up and we stand there in a state of tug of war. Why? Because I won’t let go!!!!! Yep! I am a HYPOCRITE!!!
I want to let go. I try to let go but…I have a million excuses. I think they all boil down to control. Unlike my prior abusers, God won’t violate my trust. He won’t just take my issues. I’ve got to willingly let go and give them to Him. And sometimes that is so frustrating! I want Him to take them. I just don’t want to surrender.
It seems like every time I finally get frustrated enough, scared enough or whatever enough to allow Jesus to take over, He makes a u-turn or chooses to turn somewhere I’ve never been. I realize this means I was heading in the wrong direction. But that just makes me more frustrated and defensive. It is very scary to go in a new direction. It doesn’t feel right. So many other cars going the other way, how could they all be wrong?
Confession: I can never sleep while riding in a car because I’m afraid I’ll wake up lost, unable to find my way back.
If Jesus is at the wheel, why would I want to find my way back? Especially since I know where I’ve been and I know I don’t want to go back. Just like God told Lot’s wife to never look back, my first therapist told me to run and never look back. Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt. When I ran from my family, I followed this simple command, I didn’t look back. I kept my eyes fixed on Jesus. It took a long time for me to get ready. God brought lots of people into my life to prepare me for another path. We played tug of war for many years. I shed so many tears, threw so many fits and tried to bargain with God until finally I realized I wasn’t alone. I needed to get my children to safety. So finally I surrendered, I agreed to give Jesus the wheel, and
He drove cosmic fast, which I really appreciated! I also appreciated that this command included a promise which I desperately needed:
When you lie down, you will not be afraid;
when you lie down, your sleep will be sweet. Proverbs 3:24
While I still haven’t developed enough trust to fall asleep in the car; and I’m ashamed to admit I don’t let Him drive all the time. I have put my trust in Jesus. I have let Him drive. I’ve experienced the sweet sleep of being cradled in the Lord’s love and protection. I’ve never regretted the journey. I only regret not going sooner. Perhaps I’ll let him drive more often. Watch out ladies~He drives fast! Amen!