REALLY Truly Lonely

When was the last time you felt really, truly lonely?

I am going to resist the temptation to research what it means to REALLY, truly feel lonely.  I’m going to put my nerdmobile away and go to my first thought when I read this challenge.

I can feel really, truly lonely in a crowded room.

Loneliness isn’t just about companionship.

I really don’t want to write about another sad time in my life but the last time I was REALLY truly lonely was when my brother committed suicide.  I felt alone and abandoned despite being in a crowded hospital or funeral home.  I knew I was surrounded by family and I felt the Lord’s presence.  But I had very few safe relationships and the one I had just took his own life.  He killed himself in my brother’s car, in my parents’ garage while they were at church.

I was alone and angry. I got into an argument with a priest and hit him (a story for a different post).  God had been my constant companion up until that day.  I didn’t allow God to hold me.  I didn’t allow God to wipe my tears.  I wanted God to give me my brother back; not later-NOW!

Although I had been one in three women who suffered violence (domestic and rape) – I still felt alone. I didn’t count off every third women I saw to remind myself that I’m not alone. I didn’t reach out to anyone. It took time before I let God back in but I still felt alone – how could GOD understand my pain or heartache.

I didn’t stop feeling lonely until I began hearing other people tell their stories of brokenness. And eventually I built up the courage to share my story with my husband, therapist,  friends and now the world on this blog.

I know I’ll never be alone because I’ve never been alone. Thank you Lord! Amen! 

Psalm 25:15-17 (NIV)

My eyes are ever on the Lord,

for only he will release my feet from the snare.

Turn to me and be gracious to me,

for I am lonely and afflicted.

Relieve the troubles of my heart

free me from my anguish.